Friday, January 8, 2010


Yesterday afternoon I realized that we had neglected to add an essential feature to the kitchen -- an anti-stupidity device. I was making soup, you see, and dropped a piece of potato onto the floor. I picked it up, washed it off, and then gave it a vigorous shake over the sink. Unfortunately, there was an empty can of diced tomatoes in the sink, with its lid still attached and pointing upward. My vigorously shaking hand turned the can lid into an upside-down finger guillotine. No, my finger didn't dice completely. Just enough to bleed all over everything.

I was immediately reminded of a favorite line from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, where the evil Sheriff of Nottingham, wonderfully portrayed by Alan Rickman, states his intent to cut Robin's heart out "with a spoon". His cousin asks why a spoon, which clearly doesn't sound menacing. Rickman replies that because a spoon is dull, "It will hurt more!"

He could've gone for a diced tomato can lid.

Anyway, the whole experience left me thinking about the usefulness of some type of anti-stupidity device. With the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) making headlines in Las Vegas, it would seem to me such a device is possible. Here's how we get one....

We'll have Apple exec Steve Jobs hint that Apple is about to release a new product, which insiders call the iNotStupid. Apple doesn't actually need to produce such a product. The announcement will suffice.

In reaction to Jobs' announcement, Microsoft will marshall all its resources to produce the Windows Not Stupid, and will have Steve Balmer demonstrate a prototype at the CES. The prototype will pretty much look and perform like a Kindle. The masses will rush to buy the Windows Not Stupid. Amazingly enough, the mere fact that they buy it proves that the product has a glitch. While Microsoft works to develop Windows Not Stupid 2, Apple will actually release the iKnotStupid, which is a rope to tie up people who otherwise would rush off to buy electronic gewgaws right after CES.

Or who might try to cook soup.

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